


You're A Regular Decorated Emergency

by Leathermouth



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Bullying, Columbine, M/M, Massacre, Self-Harm, Violence, school shooting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-01
Updated: 2012-12-24
Packaged: 2017-11-22 05:08:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 22,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/606147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leathermouth/pseuds/Leathermouth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They were the outcasts of their school. The list started out as something innocent. Then Ryan wanted to get revenge in the only way he knew possible and he's dragging Brendon along for the ride.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was written almost an entire year ago and is simply a repost off of my livejournal. If you think I actually meant disrespect to the victims of Sandy Hook, you are sadly mistaken. No one is forcing anyone to read this. If you don't like the concept, it's not that hard to ignore it.

“Bren.” I look up from my phone to the sound of my name and see Ryan walking towards me. I smile, pocketing my phone and shove away from the wall to walk towards him. As soon as I reach him, he wraps his arms around my waist and presses his lips chastely against my own.  I smile, pressing back against his. I feel him smile as he pulls away. “Ready for class?” He asks.

I sigh and nod as he unwraps his arms from around me and grabs my hand leading me towards the school. We fight our way through the throng of people in the hall attempting to get to our lockers, our hands clutched tightly. Just as I finally catch a glimpse of my locker though, I feel a rough shove against my shoulders and I’m forced to the ground, consequently pulling Ryan with me.

“What the actual fuck?” I hear Ryan yell, jumping to his feet having dropped my hand. I looked in the direction he was and saw Gabe laughing hysterically.

“You should probably watch you’re going, fags,” he laughs out before walking away in the opposite direction.

Ryan sticks his hand out in front of me and helps me to my feet. I brush myself off quickly and glance at Ryan. He’s pissed, I can tell. He hates when Gabe, or anyone for that matter, targets me and him.

“Another for the list,” He says quietly, and I nod walking the remaining feet to my locker. I open it and pull out our shared green notebook and my own math book. Turning around, I see that Ryan is already standing next to me with his own math book. He grabs my hand without saying anything and leads us to our class.

“Great,” I think, “Just what I need: Ryan in a pissy mood. As if things aren’t bad enough as it is lately… Now it’ll be even worse when we finally do start this shit….” I shake my head clearing the thought from my mind as we enter the room and make our way to the back of the class. As soon as I sit down Ryan leans over and grabs the green notebook from me and flips it open to the next empty page.

I see him scribble down Gabe’s name in his flawless handwriting that stands out from my own chicken scratch. He tosses the notebook back to me and I can’t help noticing how our “little” list has grown. It’s got to be at least 8 pages now, if not more. And that wasn’t including the fact that the pages were double sided and every line was filled…. If we were going to go through with all of this, that was going to be a lot of work.

Flipping back to the beginning, I read through some of the first few lines. They were all jokes.  
-People who ask 15 questions at the end of a class.   
-People who complain about the typo on question 34 on a test.   
-Garbage truck drivers who decided it was a great idea to pick up the trash at 5am on a Monday.   
  
Then things got serious towards the end of the first page.

_Mr. Miller._

I remember the day Ryan decided he needed to be added. That’s the day the meaning of the notebook changed entirely. At first it was a joke. A quick way to vent; just by writing down something someone did that annoyed you and you wished it could go away.

It was during our freshman year. Ryan had been late to class for English and Mr. M had called him out on it when he walked in. It was typical, until someone decided to shout out “That fag is always late!” The whole class started laughing, including Mr. Miller. Well, he didn’t outright laugh, but he definitely had to hide a smile and fake a coughing fit to cover up his own chuckle.

Ryan immediately had written down Mr. Miller’s name, along with Pete Wentz’s (as he had been the one to shout out the comment in the first place.) He explained later that now the notebook was gonna be used for something other than venting - or more of an extreme venting, if you will.

“We’re going to make them pay for everything they do,” He said hushed over lunch, “We’ll show them, Brendon. We’ll show them it was a mistake to ever fuck with us. To ever make us feel like shit. People will learn not to step on us. That we’re better than them.”

I sigh and continue staring at the list until I hear Ryan cough and I know that means Mrs. Phillips is coming. I flip the notebook closed and pull out my homework to make it look like I am actually doing something.

When class ends, Ryan and I walk to our lockers and I see Spencer and Jon standing in front of them waiting for us. I smile at them, and they both return it. I chance a glance at Ryan and see that he at least seems to have a ghost of a smile on his face. Good. His mood seems to be improving slightly. Thank God for Spencer. I know it’s because of him.

Ryan and Spencer have been best friends since they were little. Whenever I can’t cheer him up, I know at least Spencer can. And whatever Spencer can’t fix… well that’s a lost cause.

“So are you two up for movies tonight at my place?” Jon asks when we’re close enough that he doesn’t have to shout. I look at Ryan and he shrugs.

“Fine with me,” he says, “My dad’s probably gonna be drunk as fuck again, so I doubt he’ll care where I am. How about you, Bren?”

I try to remember if my family has any plans at first but nothing springs to mind so I shrug. “Sure, sounds find to me. What time?”

Jon and Spencer smile and Spencer speaks up, “Around 5. Jon and I have some errands to run right after school.” They both wink and I can wager a guess as to what errands is meant to mean.

Ryan laughs a little and wraps an arm around my waist. “That’s okay,” he offers, his chin leaning on my shoulder. “We have our own errands to take care of as well.” I feel the blood rush to my cheeks. I mean, Spencer and Jon are two of my best friends, but talking about mine and Ryan’s sex life in front of them was still extremely awkward for me even if we had been together for three years. I still hated when he’d bring it up.

Jon laughs and rolls his eyes, “Okay, well 5 o’clock. My house. I’ll provide the movies and snacks and party favors, you guys just have to actually show up.”

Me and Ryan agree and grab our biology books for second period. How we lucked out to have 90% of the same schedule, I’ll never know, but it’s extremely convenient considering we don’t exactly get to spend much time outside of school together.

As we’re about to walk into the class room, Ryan pulls my hand and stops me, pulling me towards an unused side hallway. I follow him confused for a second before realizing what he’s doing. He wants us to skip. Not that it matters to me at all, I don’t really care for biology anyways.

Ryan pushes the door at the end of the hallway open and pulls me outside after him. Before the door can shut, he stuffs his bandana in the bottom corner of the door so we don’t get locked out. He plops down on the ground and pats the area next to him for me to sit down.

I slide down the wall and sit cross legged next to him, my knee touching his. I watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. He hands me one knowingly and holds out his lighter so I can light it.

Leaning my head back against the rough brick wall, I inhale deeply and listen to Ryan light his own cigarette. He inhales before saying, “I think we need to edit our list a bit. We should go through and organize it by importance. Like, on who we wanna get first. I really wanna start by next Friday, at the football game. It’ll be homecoming so no one can really expect it was us who did it.”

He has a point. No one would suspect us. No one would ever think that two senior outcasts would actually go to a football game to a school they hated. In fact, I don’t think I had ever even been to a high school football game. Sports weren’t my thing exactly.

Ryan seems to be watching me to gauge my reaction so I nod my head slowly. “Yeah, that’ll work,” I say finally. “Um, how are we gonna do this exactly?”

Ryan shrugs and gives me a look. I know that look. It means he knows, but he doesn’t want to tell me yet, in case I freak out.

I sigh, snuffing my cigarette out and stare out over the edge of the school grounds and the trees that line it. I nod my head in the direction of them. “That would be a good area to make it look like an accident or like a mugging gone wrong.” Ryan follows my gaze and I can see him nod his head in approval out of the corner of my eye.

“Good thinking, babe. That’ll be perfect,” he says smiling a little and leaning over and kissing my jaw. I close my eyes and he nips at it gently before pulling away and grabbing my hand off my lap. I watch him play with my fingers for a while before he pulls out his phone. “Shit,” he says. “We better get inside, class is almost over.”

I stand up and groan as my bones crack a little. Ryan laughs, springing to his own feet lightly. “You sound and act like an old man sometimes,” he chuckles, squeezing my hand before dropping it to open the door up for me. I shake my head and smile a little, following him back into our own, personal prison.


	2. Chapter 2

The rest of the day thankfully seems to fly by. Jon and Spencer aren’t at lunch, but that’s normal. They usually skip and go out to somewhere decent for lunch, while Ryan and I elect to stay for the cheaper, school-offered food. I mean, it’s not like I don’t have money to go out to eat like Jon and Spencer do, but Ryan doesn’t. And he’d never let me pay for him. So I suck it up and eat the “mystery meat” lasagna.

Before I know it, I’m walking off towards woodshop, the only class I don’t have with Ryan. Or anyone for that matter.  I wouldn’t usually mind having no one from my small group of friends in a class, but this particular class is a living hell. Basically everyone that had made my life a living hell throughout high school (and even some going all the way back to middle and elementary school) is in that class. It’s my own, personal Hell on Earth in room 308.

I have no reason to expect today to be any different. Walking in, I take my usual seat near the only window in the room. It’s the only spot in the room that doesn’t always feel like 190 degrees. Most everyone else is still working on the current assignment on the other side of the room at the various pieces of equipment, so at least today I don’t have to fight anyone over the spot.

As soon as I sit down, Mr. Raymond walks over to my desk and hands me my grading sheet from the assignment I finished early. He gives me a small smile before shuffling away to help some confused, blonde girl work one of the sanding machines. I watched him attempt to rectify the damage she had already inflicted on the workbench rather than her cabinet door before glancing at my grading sheet.

_A+_

Thank God. I mean, I hadn’t really thought I did badly. I always did well in artistic shit like this, but it’s always a relief to actually see the proof that I did well; that it’s not just in my head.

I spend the rest of the hour doodling random shit all over the cover of mine and Ryan’s notebook. In my opinion, it makes it look slightly more innocent than what is actually inside of it. I hear the bell ring and start to put the notebook in my bag when I see a hand snatch it out from in front of me. I look up quickly to see Brent smirking down at me.

“Writing love notes to your little lover boy?” He sneers.

I sigh, “Just give it back, Brent…”

He barks out a harsh laugh, “Nah, I think I want to read some of this first.” He flips open the notebook to the second or third page and I see his bushy, black eyebrows furrow together; definitely not what he was expecting to find.

“Yo, Gabe, Pete! Get over here,” He calls out.

_Shit._

While he’s busy looking over his shoulder, I run forward and yank the notebook out from his hands and run out into the crowded hallway. I round the corner and see Ryan standing next to our lockers waiting for me. He sees me walking and I can see a smile start to spread across his face, when all of a sudden it disappears and his eyes narrow.

Before I know what’s happening, I’m being slammed from behind into a wall of lockers so hard that one next to me actually flies open.

“Not so fast, freak. You’re gonna tell me why you have our names written down in your stupid little book.” It’s Gabe. _Figures._ He’s the only one out of the group actually strong enough to do anything. Even to a scrawny guy like me. He pushes me harder against the lockers and I cough a little. “Spit it out, faggot. I wanna know why my fucking name is in there.”

Suddenly I feel the pressure from me being held against the lockers lifted. I spin around to see Ryan standing over Gabe who is now sprawled on the ground and looking confused. One glance at Ryan and I know he’s livid. This is the second time today that Gabe has pissed him off. Ryan glares at Gabe, who actually seems to be a bit scared, before turning and pulling my hand off towards our lockers.

Before I can even drop Ryan’s hand to open my locker, he pulls me even further down the hall, towards the exit.

“Um, babe, where are we going?” I ask, confused.

“I already grabbed your homework,” He spits out. “It’s in my bag.” Oh, I hadn’t even noticed he had his backpack.

I remain quiet and let him drag me along until we get to his car on the far edge of the senior parking lot. He drops my hand and I quietly scurry to the passenger-side door and slip inside. Ryan cranks the key, causing the engine to roar to life, along with the radio at full blast. I jump and he quickly turns it almost completely down.

“Sorry,” he mumbles.

I say nothing and simply stare out the window as we race out of the parking lot towards the edge of the suburban area we live in on the edge of the city. Before we get remotely close to where either of us lives, he makes a sharp turn heading towards a small forested area.

“Ry, where are we going,” I press again, even more confused than before.

He says nothing as he drives down the one lane, dirt road and enters the edge of the forest. He stops and turns off the car, quickly exiting it. I rush to do the same, forgetting in the process that my seatbelt was still on and end up choking myself. Once I free myself from the car, I rush to catch up to Ryan, who is nearly jogging into the forest. I almost end up plowing into him though, because he stops quickly and turns towards a tree and starts kicking and punching at it.

Shit. I know this routine. I quickly back away and station myself with my back pressed against another tree, about ten feet away from him. I let him beat the shit out of the tree for about 10 minutes before I finally gain enough courage to walk over to him. I slowly wrap my arms around his waist and he stops his fit, still breathing heavily.  Leaning my forehead against his shoulder, I press my lips against his shoulder blade gently.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. I feel him sigh underneath me a little and he turns around in my arms to face me. His eyes are red-tinged and his cheeks are flushed from the effort of his actions. He stares me in the eyes and I can tell he’s trying to get his breathing back to normal. I give him what I hope is an encouraging smile and he gives a faint one back. Smiling more sincerely, I lean up and press my lips to his.

I pull away to see him smiling more. He pushes me back towards the tree I was previously leaning against pressing his hips against mine. He hooks his lips with mine again and I kiss him back reaching up a hand to tangle it in his dark brown hair. Ryan sinks his teeth into my lip and tugs on it a little, causing a moan to fall from my mouth. I feel him smirk as he releases my lip. Opening my eyes, I see him staring at me with the same smirk on his face that I can’t help but return.

“I love you,” he says, pecking my lips one more time and grabbing my hand to pull me back to his red Ford Taurus. Once we get back in the car, Ryan checks his phone. “We still have an hour left to kill before Jon’s house. Wanna go get smoothies?”

I smile a little, “Well, only if I get to pay.” Ryan visibly sighs and seems to think it over for a second or two.

“Fine,” he agrees, starting the car and backing up a little to turn around on the dirt drive. He cranks up the radio as we drive through town and an old Fall Out Boy song comes on. I turn it up a little louder and start belting it out obnoxiously knowing how badly it bothers Ryan when I did that. Or at least that’s the front he puts up. I knew he secretly has to love it.

We arrive at the smoothie shop and hurry inside to the air conditioned building. Autumns in Las Vegas suck. It’s still hot as fuck outside, and even more humid than in the summer. I hand Ryan a 20 and go to pick out a table while he orders our drinks.

I choose a table by the window that overlooks a small park across the street. If it wasn’t so humid out, I’d suggest to Ryan we go sit on a bench there. Ryan appears at my side and hands me my drink before plopping down in the seat across from me. I take a small sip of my smoothie before sitting it down on the table and looking back out at the park, sympathizing with the poor parents who have been forced to drag their children to play on the swing set and jungle gym in today’s heat.

“We’re gonna have to move faster than next Friday,” Ryan says quietly to avoid letting the elderly lady at the table next to us from overhearing. “We can’t afford to let Pete or Gabe or anyone else figure out why their names are in the book.”

I nod and pick up my drink to take another sip, not saying anything. Ryan follows my gaze out the window and we both watch a small girl in pigtails slide down the red, plastic play scape laughing hysterically.

Ryan sighs and I look to him, cocking my head to the side a little. He simply shrugs taking a drink. “I’m afraid of happy people. They’re chemically imbalanced.”

I laugh slightly and focus back out the window.

“I just wish we didn’t have to rush,” he breathes out. “ So we could plan this out more. But I know once we start, it’s gonna have to go fast, lest we get caught or blamed.”

I know this. He’s acting as if I’m oblivious to all this. As if I could care less to if we were to be blamed or caught. Not exactly like I’m willing or wanting to go to prison. Even being blamed and not having anything happened would not be good. That kind of shit can haunt you forever.

But I knew he was right, we were going to need to be careful. Very, very careful.


	3. Chapter 3

“Well,” Ryan says after checking his phone. “Shall we head to Jon’s now? I think we’re close enough to five.”

I nod, sliding my chair back across the linoleum to stand up. Ryan follows my lead and walks to my side of the table before hooking his hand in mine and pulling me towards the door into the hot, sticky air outside. Ryan walks with me to the passenger side and opens the door for me to get in. I give him a skeptical look and cock an eyebrow but he just smiles a little and shrugs, shutting the door behind me.

I sigh as I watch him walk around the front of the car to the driver’s side. I wish things could always be like this. No immediate worries about our plans for the list. Just me and Ryan: a normal, teenage couple that loved each other. But no, things could never be that simple. At least not with Ryan involved.

He gets in the car, quickly starting it up and cranks the A/C to full blast. It’s not that far of a drive to Jon’s house, but at least it will be a little bit of a cooler ride. I glance at the digital clock on the radio and see we were still a half an hour early.

“Ry, we’re gonna be too early,” I rush out. “What if they’re not ready?”

Ryan chews on his lip a little. “Well,” He draws out. “We could make a pit stop at my house.” He glances out the corner of his eye at me and winks. I feel my cheeks flush slightly, but nod anyways.

“That’d be fine with me. We’d probably end up being late though.” I say looking back out the windshield.

Ryan laughs and I direct my attention back to him. “I don’t think they’d mind if we were a little late,” He says, flipping on his blinker to turn onto his street. He had a point, plus my arguing never really made a difference.

He pulls into his drive way and I thankfully notice that his dad isn’t home. Good, we can spare that drama for the time being. Ryan turns off the car and gets out, while I move quickly to do the same. I follow him up the cracked sidewalk to the front door. He quickly unlocks it and we rush inside to the cool, dark hallway. He shuts the door behind us, leaving us in almost complete darkness to the point where I can only see the outline of his body.

I see him move towards me and instinctively move back against the wall. Ryan lets out a breathy laugh and closes the distance between us quickly, pressing me against the wall even more. His lips immediately attack mine. I put my hand on his chest, kissing him back feverishly. I can feel him smirk against my lips before he grabs my bottom lip between his teeth and tugs on it slightly.

I groan softly and slide my hands up to tangle into his hair and pull a little. He bites down harder, sucks my lip into his mouth then drops it, pulling away from me. Grabbing my hand, he pulls me down the hall and up the stairs to his room, quickly shutting the door behind us even though no one else is home.

Ryan immediately rips my shirt over my head and pushes me onto the bed. He may not look like he can do much because of how scrawny he is, but Ryan is definitely pretty strong. I watch as he pulls his own shirt off and jumps on the bed next to me. I lean up and throw an arm around his neck dragging his face down to mine. His lips attack mine again and I bite his lip hard, mimicking his actions from earlier.

He laughs against my lips and I feel him run his hands down my chest over my stomach, dragging his nails in a bit. I cringe and bite his lip harder to the point where I can taste something faintly metallic.

“Bren,” he groans out, digging his nails in harder, drawing blood as well. I let go of his lip and move my lips to his jaw, my fingers working on his belt and zipper. He moves to do the same, his fingers fumbling trying to keep up with my own.

Eventually both of us succeed and rid each other of our pants, tossing them somewhere near our shirts to the side of Ryan’s bed, and our boxers right behind them. He pushes me down and kisses along my neck, moving down my chest.

“Ryan, stop being a tease,” I whine, and he looks up at me through his brown hair that’s fallen over his eyes. I shrug, “We don’t exactly have all day here.” He huffs and sits up onto his knees, leaning over me to his nightstand. I watch as he pulls out a bottle of lube and start absentmindedly stroking my own length. Ryan coats his own cock with lube and rubs some over three of his long fingers.

He pushes my legs apart, scooting closer to my body and tentatively pushes one of his fingers into me. I bite my lip a little, keeping my eyes on him. He quickly adds the second finger and I feel the slight burn at the stretch. Not soon after, he adds his third finger and I bite my lip harder to keep from groaning out loud. He twists them around and waits a moment to be sure that I’m stretched enough. After what feels like forever, he removes his fingers and replaces them by shoving his cock into me before I even have time to react to the loss.

I moan and arch my body up against his, digging my nails into his shoulder blades. Ryan pulls out of me most of the way, slamming back in even harder than before, causing me to moan even louder. He grinds his hips down into mine and I feel his stomach brush over the tip of my own cock. I bit into his neck to keep from moaning louder and grasp onto my own length again, tugging at it sloppily.

I can tell Ryan’s getting close as his movements are becoming jerkier and he’s thrusting in harder. His grip on my hips tightens and I know there will be bruises there within the next hour or two. I jerk my own hand faster as I feel Ryan thrust up against my prostate and I come over mine and Ryan’s stomachs and my own hand.  Ryan is not far behind, thrusting in full force two more times before releasing.

He collapses onto my chest, smearing my come between the two of us, but both of us are so exhausted we don’t mind. I watch as he buries his face in the crook of my neck and I trail my fingers through his hair and down over his spine, then back up. I feel him smile a little against my skin and he presses a soft kiss to the side of my neck.

“We should get ready,” I suggest. I feel him sigh and nod a little before sitting up. I reach over to his nightstand and grab a couple Kleenex from the box and hand them to him. After we clean up and redress ourselves he pulls me towards him and gives me a quick kiss on the lips.

“I love you,” he whispers before kissing me again. “So much….”

I smile, blushing a little, “I love you too, Ry.” He smiles back.

“Let’s go,” He says tugging my hand, pulling me out the door of his house.

We arrive at Jon’s house only 10 minutes late, but unfortunately for me Jon and Spencer aren't going to let it go very easily.

“Way to finally show up, horn dogs,” Spencer calls from the couch when we walk into Jon’s family room. I immediately blush and flip my bangs in front of my face to attempt to cover my face, even though it’s a guaranteed fail. Jon, Spencer, and Ryan all laugh while I choose to stare at the painting over the back of the couch where Jon and Spencer are sprawled out. I follow Ryan as he walks over to the couch against the other wall and he plops down, pulling me onto his lap. I land awkwardly and move to shift off to his side, but he holds me there, not letting me move. I huff a little and give up.

He knows I hate PDA yet here he is, making everything awkward in front of our best friends. I mean, yeah they know Ryan and I have sex. Plus, Ryan and I have been dating forever, but still. I always feel so awkward; it’s just how I was raised.

Ignoring the short lived struggle, Jon flips on the TV and presses play on the movie menu: _Donnie Darko_. Definitely one of my favorites. Spencer tosses over a bag of chips and two cans of Coke from the coffee table in front of them, all of which Ryan is quick to catch. While he’s distracted, I quickly slip off his lap and curl up next to his side instead. Much better. Ryan looks over at me, noticing the change but doesn’t say anything. Instead, he just puts his arm around my shoulder, against the back of the couch.

 _“I promise, that one day, everything's going to be better for you.”_ Donnie says on screen and I feel Ryan next to me whispering the line along with him. I can’t help but to think of how it applies to us. Things were gonna get better right? Not just at school either, hopefully. I just hope that when things do get better, it includes being able to look my mother in the eye without lying about why me and Ryan spend so much time together. Or that Ryan’s dad will stop blaming him for his mom leaving and that he’ll stop with his drinking problem.

I just want things to get better. I know Ryan has a plan for that, but I just don’t think that this is going to be the absolute best solution to get what we want. What he wants. There has to be a better way to get revenge, right?


	4. Chapter 4

The credits start to roll and I sit up from leaning against Ryan to stretch a little. I look over to the other couch and see Jon with his head on Spencer’s shoulder, both of them fast asleep. Looking behind me, I see Ryan is still zoned out on the screen. I can tell he’s not focused and is deep in thought, so I let him be and move to get up and go to the bathroom. I stand up, knocking an empty can of Coke on the floor over with my foot. The clang from it rings through the silent room and both Jon and Spencer shoot up from where they are slouched.

“Sorry,” I mumble, righting the can and sitting back down on the edge of the sofa. Out of the corner of my eye I see Ryan slowly regain focus on the room and he turns away from the TV looking around the room.

“So…” Jon yawns, stretching his arms above his head. “What now?” Spencer, Ryan, and I all exchange a look. It’s too early for us to call it a night.

“Well,” Spencer starts, scratching at the faint beard on his chin. “We could always go teepee Miller’s house. He’s always giving us a hard time. Might as well give him payback right?”

“Yeah, that sounds like a great idea!” Jon says, grinning widely. They both look to Ryan for confirmation that this is indeed a good idea. Both Jon and Spencer know that whatever Ryan decides is what my answer is too regardless.  

Ryan avoids their glances and picks at his nails, slowly shaking his head. “No,” He ventures. “I have bigger plans to get back at him than something as insignificant as temporary vandalism.”

I notice Jon and Spencer exchange a slightly confused look before Jon says, “What do you mean insignificant? We used to teepee people’s houses all the time. You love doing that shit.”

Ryan shakes his head, “I used to. It’s old hat now. We have bigger and better things planned.”  He glances at me, but I keep my focus on the painting behind Jon and Spencer. Jon notices the glance and I see his eyes narrow.

“What do you mean bigger things? How much bigger?” He looks between Ryan and I. I sigh and run my hand through my hair looking down at the ground. This is not the kind of conversation I want to be having right now. I don’t want to talk about what we have to do.  I mean, yes, it would be better to have Jon and Spencer in on it. We’d have more help. But I’m almost 100% sure that they aren’t exactly going to be willing to jump into the plan. Even I wouldn’t be involved if I had the choice, but with Ryan.… It was a “he jumps, I jump” type of thing. I don’t exactly have a say in the matter.

“Let’s just say,” Ryan says slowly, “That soon everyone who has ever fucked us over will be getting what they deserve.” He reaches over and grabs my hand, squeezing it a little. I keep my gaze towards the floor but I can see Jon and Spencer share a loaded glance.

“Uh, alright, man,” Jon says scratching his head, “Whatever you say.”

I look up and see Spencer eyeing Ryan through narrowed eyes. Ryan must have noticed because he pulls his phone out of his pocket of his jeans to check the time.

“I should probably get home before my dad does,” He says. “He’ll be pissed if I’m out late again. Let’s go, Bren.” He grabs my hand, pulling me to my feet. I stand and knock over the can again, causing it to clatter around. I stoop to get it but Ryan beats me to it, sitting it on the coffee table. “See you guys later,” He says, dragging me to the door. I give a small smile and wave in the direction of Spencer and Jon. Both force a smile in return that I barely catch before I’m around the corner and out the door behind Ryan.

The door slams behind us and I have to almost jog to keep up with Ryan’s pace. Damn his long legs. Given, I’m not the shortest guy around, but Ryan’s got a couple inches on me at least. We reach Ryan’s car and he basically throws my hand down before continuing to his own side. I quietly open my door and crawl inside, buckling up all before he can even get his own door open and sit down.

He slams his door behind him with a force that causes the entire Focus to shake slightly. I cringe as he starts to pound his hands against the steering wheel.

“Fuck fuck fuck,” he yells, repeatedly smashing his hands against the wheel. “They can’t fucking find out about our plan. Spencer is too….” He grunts out an ending to his sentence and punches against his steering wheel again, the material bending almost threatening to break.

I cautiously reach my hand out and place it on his forearm. “Ry,” I breathe, “Calm down… I doubt they know what we’re going to plan… Yeah they know it’s big, but it doesn’t mean they know exactly what it is. We’ll be okay…” I rub his arm a little and he stops abusing the steering wheel, breathing rough. He leans his forehead against the wheel and I keep rubbing his arm.

“It’ll be okay, Ry,” I say softly.

He shakes his head, his breathing shaky, “Bren, you don’t understand. We can’t fuck this up. This all has to go right.” He sniffles and wipes his under his eyes. “Just… We can’t let others know what we’re doing, especially not Jon or Spence.”

I nod, still gently rubbing his arm. We sit like that for a few moments, before he sits up brushing me off and starts the car. We back out of Jon’s driveway and we head back towards town. I stare out the window at the fading light against the backdrop of the city’s lights.

“Where are we going?” I ask when Ryan turns away from the main part of the city, heading out near where I live.

“I’m taking you home,” He says roughly. “I need to think and sort some things out before tomorrow.” I nod and stare out the windshield. I see him glance at me quickly before turning onto my street. “I’m not mad at you, Brendon. I just really need to get it sorted.” I nod again, not saying anything as he pulls into my driveway. As I go to get out of the car he grabs my hand, kissing it lightly. “I love you, okay? See you tomorrow at school.”

“I love you too,” I murmur before grabbing my backpack from under my seat and exiting the car. Ryan waits until I’ve reached my door before he reverses out of the driveway and peels off down the road back towards town. I watch, with my hand on the doorknob until he turns the corner before I open it.

One step into the dark hallway and I can already tell no one is home. For safe measure, I call out, “Mom? Dad?” No answer. Good, I like it better when they aren’t here.

I make my way to the kitchen and see a note stuck to the fridge.

_Bren-_   
_Went to see Bishop Gregory at the Temple._   
_Be back late tonight._   
_Don’t wait up._   
_Money is on the counter for pizza._   
_–Mom & Dad_

Well, at least I dodged that bullet. I hated having to go to the Temple for things. I didn’t even believe in half that shit they said. Then again, I was gay and the church didn’t exactly go all out to support that… My family didn’t even know. This was hard to believe in my opinion, but whatever.

I pocket the money and decide to just snack on something instead. Not like my parents will know that I just took the money anyways. I look in the cupboard but there’s nothing left in the house. I sigh and look at the clock. 9. Might as well go to bed and get an actual good night’s sleep. I head up stairs and plug my phone in before stripping off my shirt and falling face-first onto my bed.

I don’t remember when I exactly fell asleep but what can't be more than a couple hours later, I hear a faint knocking sound on my window. Ignoring it at first, I roll over, pulling one of my many pillows over my head.

“Stupid birds,” I think, groaning softly.

_If you want my body and you think I’m sexy…_

My phone rings out from somewhere on my desk. God damn Jon for changing my ringtone to something so obnoxious. I hop out of bed, tripping over various articles of clothing before falling over the charger cord and finally locate my phone. Ripping it from the desk I answer it a little more aggressive than probably necessary.

“What?” I grunt into the speaker.

“Bren, it’s Ryan,” Ryan rushes out, sounding out of breath. “Come outside. I need your help with something.” 

I glance at my alarm clock. 4:17 AM. Are you fucking kidding me? What the fuck could he want at this hour that wasn’t able to wait until morning? “Ry,” I draw out, running a hand through my messy hair. “Can’t this wait till tomorrow? We have school in a couple hours…”

“No, Bren,” He rushes again. “ _Now_. I need your help now.”

I sigh, “Fine. Be down in a second.”

“Okay,” he says, a little more calmly. “Just… wear dark clothing…”  Before I can even ask why he hangs up and I sigh again, throwing my phone down on my desk. I glance around the floor illuminated from the moon outside my window and pick up a random, plain black hoodie, throwing it on over my bare torso. I’m still in my jeans from earlier and they’re dark enough in my opinion. This’ll have to do.

I grab my phone off my desk and pocket it before shifting open my window and crawling out onto the small ledge of my roof under it. Five minutes later, I’ve successfully shimmied down the lattice on the back of my house where Ryan is already waiting for me.

I’m about to ask him what’s going on when he grabs my hand, pulling me along with him in the direction of the street adjacent to my own. We’re running at a full sprint and it’s taking all I have in me to even keep up without being completely dragged on the ground behind him.

“Ry,” I huff out. “Where the fuck are we going and what is going on?”

“I’ll explain once we’re in the car,” He says shaking his head. “Just be quiet for a second, kay?” I stop talking and continue running behind him until finally we reach his car that’s parked a good block and a half away from my house. I don’t ask why this time and instead just rip open the door and jump inside. Ryan has slowed his own pace and takes his time to get in the car, making me feel like a moron.

As Ryan gets in the car, I realize that he and I aren’t the only two in the car. I turn around to look behind me and I see Gabe sitting there with a huge smirk on his face. I look at Ryan and he gives me a look that conveys, “Shut up, I’ll explain later.”

I face forward out the windshield and notice we’re driving out towards the woods where we had been earlier. Doing as I’m told, I stay silent, even when Ryan reaches over with his right hand to grasp mine. I look down and watch him draw circles on the back of it with his thumb and smile a little. At least even in what is coming across as a stressful situation, he still has his sweet moments.

We stop where we had parked earlier and I get out of the car, watching as Gabe exits the backseat to join me. Ryan seems to struggle with something in his car before he finally gets out as well and moves around to stand where we are.

“Shall we?” He says, sickly sweet. Gabe smiles and takes off down the trail into the woods. Ryan takes my hand again and turn and follow Gabe. We end up walking further into the woods than where me and Ryan had been and soon are standing near a quick-moving stream. Gabe stops, turning around suddenly.

“Alright, faggots,” He spits out, “Let’s get this done with. You wanna fight. Let’s fight.” I throw a quick glance at Ryan who has an innocent smile pasted across his face, making me even more confused. I watch as Ryan takes a step forward and resist the urge to throw out a hand to stop him.

Gabe seems to sense my hesitation and smirks, “What’s the matter, Brenny-boy? Gotta have your boyfriend fight all your battles for you?” He laughs at his own joke, but I notice Ryan tense up.

Before I can even process what is happening, Ryan launches at Gabe and I see his eyes widen in surprise. A sickening crunch attacks my ears and I freeze. I watch Gabe slowly lower his gaze to his own chest where Ryan has shoved a knife in. He seems speechless until Ryan twists the knife, causing Gabe to cry out and stumble backwards a little. Ryan rips the knife from his chest and stabs it in again, this time with even more force. Gabe stumbles back more and trips over an exposed root, falling into the rushing stream below.

Ryan follows and straddles him, stabbing him even more times as Gabe cries out and blood starts to bubble out of his mouth. I’m still frozen in my original spot, too horrified to even speak. I watch Ryan stab Gabe over and over until finally Gabe is completely silent, just the rushing of the water and Ryan’s heavy breathing making any noise.

I let loose the breath I am holding and it chokes into a sob. Ryan stands up and turns around and I can’t help but start to choke even more at the sight of him: he’s coated in Gabe’s blood. I want to scream and run away, but the fear has paralyzed me to the point where I can barely even breathe, let alone move. Ryan drops the knife on top of Gabe’s now lifeless body and moves towards me.

“Bren,” He breathes, as I back away slowly. “It’s okay. He’s gone now. He can’t hurt you.” I want to scream even more now. It’s not Gabe I’m scared of hurting me at this point. I shake my head.

“Ry…” I choke out, trying not to sob again. He moves closer to me causing me to cringe away. He stops and stares at me, holding up his hands in what is meant as a peaceful manner but with all the blood it comes across as grotesque and horrifying. Ryan seems to realize that I’m still petrified of him so he turns back to the body and knife. He shoves the knife into Gabe’s chest, before picking him up and draping him in his arms. I notice Gabe’s lifeless eyes are staring opening at the tree canopy above us and I feel slightly sick to my stomach.

Ryan starts to walk back towards the car and I reluctantly follow. Ryan carelessly throws Gabe’s body in the backseat before opening the front door and getting inside. He stares at me waiting and I slowly open the door and climb inside. We turn around and head back to the main road before either of us says anything.

“I’m gonna drop you off and go take care of the body,” He says. “Don’t worry about what I’m going to do with it. The less you know the better. I’m sorry this had to be so gruesome, but it had to be done, Bren… Bren?” He trails off and looks at me.

“Pull over,” I choke out. He must have noticed something was wrong because he screeches to a stop and I throw open the door before releasing the contents of my stomach onto the pavement below. I choke out another sob or two and wipe my mouth onto my sleeve. I feel Ryan’s hand on my back, rubbing soothing circles and quickly jerk away remembering the fact that they are coated in blood.

“Sorry,” Ryan mutters seeming to understand my reaction. I nod and shut my door, which Ryan takes as a sign that it’s okay to start driving again. He goes slower this time, constantly glancing at me to make sure I’m not about to get sick again.

We finally get to my house and I wait before getting out knowing that Ryan wants to say something. I look at him expectantly and he sighs. “I’m sorry, Bren…” He says low. “I’m sorry this had to happen, but you know it has to. The next one will be better. I promise, okay?” I blink at him a few times before giving him a single nod and exiting the car.

I crawl back up the lattice to my room and pull off my hoodie before crawling back into bed. Staring up at the old glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling that me and Jon had put up years ago I can’t help but think about how our innocent little list had grown into something so horrible and grotesque. Almost exactly how mine and Ryan’s relationship had changed. How did we even get to this point? Killing classmates to help each other? I didn’t think relationships constituted of this. But what else can I really do? If I were to even turn on Ryan, he’d do to me what he did to Gabe. I’d be the next one added to the list. I have no choice.


	5. Chapter 5

“Brendon, you gotta get up,” My mom peaks in through my door and I squint at her. “Time for school,” She says before snapping the door shut behind her. I sigh and rub the sleep from my eyes as I sit up in bed. The longer I sit there, more details from the previous night come flooding back to me.

_Ryan showing up._   
_The knife._   
_Gabe being killed._   
_Oh God._   
_Gabe._

I jump up out of bed, rip open my door, and sprint to the bathroom barely making it to the toilet before I’m vomiting. There’s nothing left in my stomach from throwing up from the night before and I can feel my muscles in my back straining to release what must be just pure bile from my stomach. I’m sobbing again and choke on my own tears as I begin to dry-heave. Finally I’m able to stop so I stand, flushing the toilet and rinse my mouth out with water from the sink.

Wiping my mouth off with a bit of tissue, I stare at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes seem sunken in a bit and I’m paler than normal, which is definitely saying something. I look closer to my eyes but I can’t see a visible difference, even though I feel as if they’ll be giving away everything anytime someone looks in them. Today is definitely gonna have to be a makeup day though. There’s no way I can go to school looking like death. _Hah_.

 I comb through the rat’s nest that is my hair and finally get it to stick down at least somewhat normally before I venture back to my bedroom. I step over the various pieces of clothing strewn across my floor and notice the black hoodie from the night before. I nudge it under the bed with my foot and walk towards my closet, pulling out the first decent outfit I can find: an old The Doors t-shirt I got from Ryan and a ripped pair of skinny jeans. It will do I guess.

Just as I finish pulling my shirt on, there’s a knock on my door and I turn to see my mom standing there again.

“You ready,” She asks cautiously. She’s seemed to become more careful around me it seems since I’ve changed my clothing style last year. It’s almost as if she fears I’m going to randomly snap and shoot her like those parenting booklets the church gives out mentions. Then again, with what just happened with Ryan and what we were planning, it couldn’t be that far off the truth, right?

I nod and snatch my book bag off the chair at my desk before crossing the room and following her down the staircase and to the car. The car ride to school is quiet as usual and I use the time to pull out my iPod and listen to music. It’s only a 4 minute ride, but half a song sure beats an awkward silence. Before I can put my headphones in though, my mom speaks up.

“I think you’ve been spending too much time with that Ryan lately,” She edges, turning the wheel. I stare at her waiting for her to continue, completely frozen. I hadn’t even noticed that she knew who I had been hanging out with. And given that me and Ryan had been together for over 3 years anyways, I was surprised that it had even taken this long for a conversation like this to come up.

“Anyways,” She continues. “I think you two are a little too close. Plus, he’s not the greatest influence, honey. You could have such better friends. I mean, does he even have plans to do anything after school? Anything at all? His family isn’t exactly the best so I don’t really want to have you associating with that type of thing –”

I cut her off, “What do you mean, ‘that type of thing?’ There’s nothing wrong with Ryan. Just because his family is fucked up doesn’t mean that he is.” I instantly stop talking though because my mom gasps. I backtrack and realize what I had let slip and I stare out the window. Shit. I brace myself for the inevitable fight now, but nothing comes. I shoot a look over and see she is pursing her lips and gripping the wheel tighter, but still not saying anything.

We pull into the parking lot of Woodland High School and I jump out of the car before it even stops moving just to avoid any more conversation about Ryan. I dodge my way through the small horde of people making their way to the door and eventually reach the flagpole where I usually wait for Ryan.

He’s already there, along with a guy I’ve never seen before. I slow down a little, but keep my path walking towards him and I see Ryan notice me and give a small wave before turning and saying something to the stranger. They also turn to look at me as I approach and I suddenly feel very self-conscious of my movements

Ryan moves towards me, wrapping me in his arms and hugging me close to his chest.  I stay still at first, but soon relax into it reasoning that he wouldn’t hurt me anyways. He was just doing these things to protect me. To make things better. I wrap my arms around him, hugging back and he kisses my jaw before backing out of the hug and pulling me towards the other guy.

“Bren, this is Frank,” he says gesturing towards the guy. He can’t be from our high school, at least not recently. He’s short, but he looks older in the face, probably early 20’s. Frank exchanges his hand and I grasp it, shaking it twice before pulling my hand back. “Frank’s gonna help us on some stuff,” Ryan continues, looking back at Frank who nods still staring at me. I shake my bangs into my eyes a little to cover myself and look towards the school door.

“I don’t go here anymore,” Frank finally says. “But I can help when you are outside school and if you need an alibi. No one would really expect us to be together except for right this second.”

 I nod, taking it all and I glance around at all the people walking past us. No one is even looking our way, they never did. With the exception of when Gabe and his parade of morons decide to play “Torment the Queers” again.

I look back and Frank is still staring at me as if he’s trying to figure something out. I don’t like it, it gives me an extremely uneasy feeling. I squeeze Ryan’s hand tight and he looks at me raising his eye brow minutely.

“Well,” he trails, “We should probably get into school before we’re late. Bren and I will be in touch soon, though.” Frank nods and watches me and Ryan turn to walk into the school. I sneak a glance back as we’re about to enter the building and notice that Frank still has not moved and is staring after us.  I try and brush it off as me and Ryan walk to our lockers, but there’s just something about it that I can’t shake.

Fortunately for me, something quickly comes in the way of my train of thought, driving Frank out of my mind. Unfortunately, however, that distraction comes in the form of none other than Brent shoving me into my locker door. I grunt in pain as the lock digs into my arm and I look down seeing a line of blood forming from it. “Fuck,” I hiss out, wiping it off onto my shirt.

“What’s your problem, Brent?” Ryan yells, shoving his shoulder as Brent tries to press me further into my locker. Brent smirks a little, stepping closer to Ryan.

“Your little homo boyfriend here was in my way, figured I’d teach him a lesson on how to stay the fuck out of my way.” Brent shoves Ryan a little and I feel my eyes widen. Big mistake there, Brent…

“Fuck you, Brent!” Ryan yells shoving him across the hallway into another set of lockers with a force that pops several of them open, dumping papers all over Brent and half of the hallway. Ryan grabs my hand and yanks me off down the hall after him towards the door.  He drags me full speed out into the parking lot and to his car. I rip my hand from his grip and stop running once we reach it.

“Ry, what the fuck are we doing?” I pant out, staring at him with wide eyes.

He shakes his head, “I can’t be in school today, Bren. Please can we just skip?” I sigh and look back at the school. I mean, one other skip day wouldn’t make a difference. Besides, he and I skip all the time. Beats having to sit in math and English I guess.

I turn back to him and nod, walking to the passenger door. He sighs and smiles a little at me before realizing I’m not gonna return it and dropping it. We both slide into the car and he turns on the radio quietly as background music for the drive. We’re both quiet the duration of the ride to his house, but he grabs my hand, rubbing small circles with his thumb. I know this is his way of letting me know he’s not mad and things are alright for the moment.

We park at an old abandoned parking lot near his house, and then make the rest of the way on foot to avoid his dad or someone driving by and seeing his car in the driveway. Once we get into the house, Ryan suggests we watch a movie and I nod in agreement as he walks off to find a DVD. I walk into the living room and plop down onto the old, brown, leather couch against the wall.

He comes into the room and holds up a copy of Saw II, “This alright?” I nod and he walks over putting it into the player and grabbing the remote before making his way over to the couch where I am. He falls on top of me and I wrap my arms around his middle holding him to me. Ryan works his way between my legs and I curl a leg around his hip, tangling us together. He smiles and rests his cheek against my chest, turning to watch the opening credits.

I soon lose focus from the movie and redirect my attention to running my fingers over Ryan’s facial features and through his hair. As I start to run my fingertips down his spine, he turns his gaze to me and smirks a little before leaning up and pressing his lips to mine. I smile a little, pressing back and tangling my fingers in his hair. He bites my lip and I groan a little, causing him to smirk even more.

He tugs on my lip and slides a hand down my chest to the bottom of my shirt, pulling it up a little and brushing his fingers over the skin above my jeans. I shiver and tighten my fingers in Ryan’s hair, pulling it. He grunts softly and lets go of my lip, catching both of them again with his own and diving his tongue into my mouth.

I sigh contentedly and move my hands from his hair down to his neck and massage the skin there. I feel him tense up at first and then relax again, moving his tongue around in my mouth, coaxing mine to tangle with his.

These are the moments I wish me and Ryan had more of. Where he wasn’t preoccupied with getting revenge all the time. Where we were free to just be a teenage couple.

After a while we slow down our movements and he simply presses kisses repetitively against my jawline and neck. I close my eyes and trail my fingers up and down his spine again. I sigh and open my eyes remembering what my mom had said earlier. Ryan must feel me tense up because he stops and sits up a little looking at me with an eyebrow raised.

“What’s wrong?” He asks quietly. I shrug, but he’s not buying it. “Bren…”

I sigh again and look back up at the ceiling, avoiding his gaze. “My mom doesn’t like that I’m spending time with you,” I rush out. “She thinks you’re a bad influence and I don’t know if now she’s gonna stop me from being able to see you outside of school…” I trail off at the end having caught a glance at Ryan and seeing his reaction.

Pissed can’t even begin to describe the look I am getting. His eyes seem to darken as he sits up and shoves away from me and stands up. I watch as he walks over to his bag and pulls out the green notebook. I know where this is going but oh God no.

“Ryan,” I say hushed and he whips around to look at me. “You’re not… seriously…” He shakes his head and flips the note book open and scribbles something quickly before shutting it again and throwing it back in the bag.

“I’m sick of it, Brendon.” He growls out. “I’m sick of people thinking I’m not good enough. Not good enough for you. Not good enough for school. Not good enough for fucking anything. I’m done. They disrespect me? I’ll give them a reason to. I’m going to show them all they’re wrong. That I’m not some idiot who can’t do fuck all.” I sink back into the couch and pull my knees to my chest.

This wasn’t a game anymore. Although I could have realized that it wasn’t from last night, but the fact that Ryan is now going after not only the people in our school, but also my own family? This… is way beyond what I had wanted to happen with that stupid list in the first place.


	6. Chapter 6

 

I watch Ryan as he runs his fingers through his hair and he looks back at me.

“I’m sorry, Bren,” He says in a hushed tone. “Just… I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want things to get in the way of us. You’re the only good part of my life right now. I can’t lose that.” He finishes with a shrug as if it is the final option. And I guess in his eyes, it is. I mean, I agree anyways. I don’t want things to end between us either. I’d hate for things to get in the way. I love Ryan, and he loves me. Maybe this was the only way… And everyone always did say you had to fight for what you love.

I look down at my fingers, twisting them and give Ryan a short nod. He walks over to me and kneels down, tilting my chin up with his fingers. His honey eyes bore into mine seeming to search for something. He must find what he’s looking for because he gives me a half smile before leaning in and pressing his lips to mine. I press back, instantly feeling a little better and I return his smile when he pulls away.

“Wanna go to the mall or something?” He asks, smiling a bit more. I return it again and nod, letting him pull me up to my feet. He runs his backpack upstairs to his room and I wait for him by the door holding my own to take out to the car.

Just as Ryan’s walking back downstairs, the front door opens and someone falls through the doorway. Both Ryan and I snap our attention to the body and realize it’s his father. I swallow nervously and look back at Ryan, his eyes wide and face paler than normal. Shit. This was not going to go well.

Ryan’s dad stands up and sways, obviously plastered off his ass. He looks at me then looks to where Ryan is on the stairs. “What are you doing here?” He slurs out. I see Ryan biting his lip obviously looking for an excuse.

I think up a lie quickly and chime in, “We got sent home early today, sir. The power went out and there was no use for us to stay so they said we could leave.” He swings back to me and seems to try to process what I had just said. I hold my breath trying not to inhale the stench of stale alcohol on his breath. The lie must sound reasonable because he nods his head once before turning back to Ryan.

“Don’t know why you even bother to go to school anyways,” He grunts out. “You’re never going to amount to anything no matter how much they try to teach you at school.” He shoves past Ryan who seems frozen and makes his way up the rest of the stairs, slamming his door shut behind him.

Ryan sighs and trudges down the rest of the stairs before walking out of the already open front door. I follow, quickly catching up to him and hook my hand in his. He glances at me and gives me a ghost of a smile before squeezing my hand.

We walk down the road to the parking lot where we left his car, but before I can open the door, Ryan steps in front of it. He pulls me to him and kisses me full on the lips. I kiss him back and he quickly adds more pressure. I reciprocate his movements and I feel his tongue pushing against my lips. I open my lips slightly to grant him access and he’s quick to move his tongue against mine, tangling them. Sliding my hand up the side of his neck, I move my body closer to his and press him against the car.

“Backseat,” He breathes out, breaking off the kiss and throwing open the back passenger door,  “Now.” I move quickly to slide into the seat and press my back against the other door. Ryan’s quick to slide in after me and shut the door behind him. He closes the distance between us and catches my lips between his roughly.

I reach up and tangle my hands in his hair, tugging and drawing a low moan out of him. I smirk and he bites my lip, causing an involuntary gasp to leave my mouth. He smiles and moves his lips down to my neck, testing the tender skin there with his teeth. I tilt my head back and tug on his hair more. “Ry,” I breathe out harshly, and he sinks his teeth in harder. He runs his hand down to the bottom of my shirt, sliding it up over my bare stomach. I shiver and bite my lip to keep quiet. “Ry… just fuck me already,” I pant out.

He stops biting me and pulls my shirt off over my head, which proves slightly difficult because of the lowness of his car’s roof. Eventually we are able to get each other undressed and situate ourselves in the most comfortable position possible. My neck is leaning against the door with our clothes under it for some support and Ryan is knelt on the seat in front of me between my legs. He leans forward, pressing his lips to mine before sliding two fingers into my mouth. I move my tongue around them making sure to get them wet completely before he removes them.

He doesn’t waste any time and shoves both of them into me at once. I arch my back, digging my head into the pile of clothing more. “Fuck, Ry,” I spit out through my clenched teeth. I feel him wiggle them around, searching for my prostate. It doesn’t take him more than a few seconds before he finds it and presses both tips of his long fingers gently against my spot.  I moan out loudly and quickly move my hand to my own already leaking cock and start tugging on it.

Ryan removes his fingers and quickly moves to shove his entire length inside of me in their place. “Ryan,” I whine, drawing out his name. He smirks and leans down, kissing me roughly as he starts to move his hips to and from mine. I moan loudly again as the tip of his dick presses directly against my prostate. “Fuck,” I groan out. “I’m already close, babe.” He nods, licking his hand before wrapping it around my own cock and pumping up and down it quickly.

He presses into my prostate three more times and with the combination of his jerking me off, I cum all over his hand and my stomach. I feel myself clench around his length, sending him over the edge causing him to come deep inside of me. Ryan collapses onto my chest, sweat causing his hair to stick to his forehead. I stroke the back of his head a little and press a light kiss to the top of it. He looks up at me through his bangs and gives me a huge smile.

“I love you, Brendon,” He says, kissing my chest.

I smile back. “You too, Ry,” I say.

We lay there for a few more minutes, allowing our breathing to return to normal before getting dressed quickly and moving to the front seat of the car. Ryan starts the car and we pull out of the parking lot, heading towards the mall. “How about we go to the park instead,” Ryan suggests, peering up at the sky. It’s a beautiful day, and for once it’s not swelteringly hot out. I nod and agree that it sounds like a good idea and he smiles at me.

He turns the car down the small side road that leads to the playground/park area near our school and we park near the old basketball court. Both of us get out of the car and Ryan meets me around the front of the hood grabbing my hand as we walk towards the swings set near a couple of trees.

I sit down on a swing and Ryan takes the one next to me, hooking our hands through the old, rusted chains. We sit there, twisting around instead of actually swinging for a while when I feel someone grab my shoulders and shove me down onto the ground.

“What the fuck?!” I shout rolling on the sand to look back at who pushed me to see Pete standing there laughing his ass off.

“You were on my swing, cocksucker,” he sneers. Ryan stands up slowly and narrows his eyes at Pete, looking down at him. Pete doesn’t seem to mind the fact that Ryan is nearly 6 inches taller than him and just tilts his head smirking. “Problem, Ross?” Ryan glances around and grabs Pete’s shoulder’s pushing him back into the tree covered area. I follow hesitantly. I do not like where this is heading.

As soon as we are within the cover of the trees and out of view of anyone around, Ryan shoves Pete against a tree. He smashes into the tree, sliding down his eyes wide with a sudden fear. He obviously had not expected that out of Ryan. I mean, then again neither would I have if I didn’t know him so well. Ryan walks up to Pete again and kicks him square in the jaw, knocking him over completely to the ground.

Pete spits out a stream of blood and what looks like may be a tooth or two. Or more. Ryan kicks again, this time to his ribs. Pete coughs, spitting more blood and I can hear cracking as Ryan directs kick after kick to his ribs and various other open areas. Ryan drops to his knees and picks up a large rock near him then proceeds to smash it repeatedly into Pete’s head.

I stand back at the entrance to the trees watching with wide eyes, not moving. Pete stops moving shortly, but Ryan continues to smash him with the rock, obviously not completely satisfied yet.

“Ry,” I choke out, tears streaming down my face. He turns back quickly and notices my horrified expression. Once again, he’s covered in blood and I don’t think I will ever become use to that sight. He drops the rock on top of Pete, making a sickening crunching sound and I flinch. He steps toward me and take a step back shaking my head.

“Bren,” He ventures. I shake my head again, backing up more.

“I… I can’t handle this Ryan,” I stutter out. “I need to go home.” And with that, I turn and run back to the car, grab my backpack, and start walking back towards town and my home. There’s a small café I can hang out in until it’s a reasonable time for me to come home.

I’m about halfway to the café when I hear a car slow down on the road next to  me. I look up and see Ryan leaning over the passenger seat. “Get in, Brendon,” He says carefully. I shake my head and continue walking. He sighs, “Brendon. Please, just get in the car.”

I stop and look at the sky and exhale slowly before walking over to the car and getting inside. I throw a glance to the backseat, but don’t see a body. Ryan must have already taken care of it. I also notice that Ryan already has clean clothes on and there’s no trace of blood on him at all.

“What,” I begin but he cuts me off with a shake of his head.

“I’m sorry, Bren,” He mutters. “I lied about why we had to skip school. I had already planned to do this today, but I knew if I told you, that you wouldn’t come with me.” I stare out of the windshield, not saying anything. He lied. He had never lied to me before. Not once in the three years that we had been together.

“I’m sorry, Bren,” he whispers again and I can feel his eyes on me, watching for a reaction. I nod, remaining silent. He sighs and runs a hand through his hair.

 “Where’s the body?” I ask still not looking at him. He doesn’t say anything right away and I glance over at him. Ryan’s biting his lip and seems to be thinking if he should tell me or not. “Ryan, just fucking tell me,” I spit out and he sighs again.

“Frank took care of it. He was in the woods waiting for when we left to go do something with it. He also helped take care of Saporta’s body.” He rushes out and I look back at the window.

Figures. Frank had to be used for something I suppose. Don’t know why I hadn’t thought of that before. He reaches over to grab my hand but I pull it away and rest it on my other leg.

I can tell Ryan wants to say something, but he won’t let it out. I let the silence stay, not wanting to talk about any of this anymore. This had seemed like it could be doable at first when he suggested getting revenge, but now that we had started, I realized how many people we were going to really have to take care of. Plus, my own fucking mother was now on the list. And the longer we took to do this, the more potential we had for people to be added whenever Ryan got pissed off at someone. I needed to get out. But I was going to need help.


	7. Chapter 7

Ryan continues to drive heading in the direction of my house. I’m about to tell him we can’t go there when he takes a right and speeds down a back road I don’t think I’ve ever been on. He stops outside an old, abandoned looking house and gets out. I watch him walk around front of the car and wait on the curb for me to join him. I sigh, unbuckling and slide out, meeting him on the sunbaked grass. I glance up at the old house.

“What is this place?” I ask Ryan quietly, looking back at him. He shrugs.

“Just a place I used to come to get away from home when I was little. It’s been abandoned for years.” He walks up the cracked sidewalk to a set of steps that look as if they could give out at any moment. I follow him close behind, treading carefully as to not put my foot through the rotting wood of the porch. He pushes open the creaking door and we both enter the black hallway, the only light spilling in from behind us.

“Hang on,” Ryan says as I go to shut the door behind us. He moves over to a small, sheet covered table against the foyer wall and messes with something I can’t see. Soon the entryway is filled with a golden glow and I notice the oil lamp that he just lit. He turns around and shrugs, “There’s no power in here… I had to improvise whenever I’d come.”

I nod and shut the door behind me, leaving the lamp to be our only source of light. Ryan picks it up, walking further down the hall and I move quickly to catch up so I don’t have to be left behind in the dark. He leads me to a room off the right side of the long hall and as the light flushes over it, I notice several pieces of furniture covered in various sheets. I move towards a lumpy sofa covered in a pale blue sheet and sit down, pulling my knees up to my chest.

Ryan walks over and sits close to me, leaning his head onto my shoulder. “I’m sorry,” he breathes. “I’m so sorry, Bren. I don’t want it to have to be like this, but it does…” He trails off, not exactly giving a reason as to why it has to be this way and I’m too drained to press the matter. He grabs my hand, playing with my fingers and I watch him before directing my attention to examining the room. I imagine a younger Ryan running here in the middle of the night to escape various things about his home life and sitting in the semi-dark with only the light of an old, cracked oil lamp to keep him company.

I sigh and stare down at mine and Ryan’s hands again. “Ry,” I breathe out. “I can’t do this anymore. I think we should stop with the list.” I feel the weight of Ryan’s head leave my shoulder and I can tell he’s looking at me. I look up, but refuse to meet his gaze and stare at the wall.

“Are you fucking kidding me, Brendon?” He spits out, dropping my hand. “You just want to _stop_? We can’t just fucking stop! We’ve already killed two people! Why the fuck should we stop?” He jumps up and stands in front of me, but I continue to focus on the wall not wanting to see the anger that I know is in his eyes.

“I just,” I murmur. “I just can’t handle this. I never wanted this to be what the list was about, Ryan. I mean, I know they fucked us over, but killing them? Can’t we just, ignore it for the last few months of high school? Then we’ll be done and won’t have to worry about it…” I trail off having looked up and caught Ryan’s gaze. This clearly was not going to go over well.

“Yeah,” Ryan says, sarcasm dripping in his voice. “Yeah, let’s just stop doing this. Then maybe we can waltz downtown and fucking tell the police what happened to Gabe and Pete. And I’m sure then they’ll let us off and we just go have a fucking tea party with the rest of the school and laugh this whole fucking thing off, right?!” I curl my knees back up to my chest and watch as he paces back and forth in front of me.

He throws his hands up and stops pacing, “Brendon we can’t just fucking quit! They fucked us over! They deserve this and even more! We have to make them pay! Make them pay for thinking we aren’t worth shit! That we aren’t gonna make it! They’ve been treating us like we are beneath them for fucking years and you just wanna sit back and let them continue?!” He picks up an old glass picture frame from an end table and throws it against the wall where it shatters.

“You wanna be walked on for the rest of your life?! Well I don’t!We have to show them that they fucked with the wrong people, that we are capable of something! I’ve dealt with this shit since elementary school! They fucking drove me to carving my fucking issues into my own skin, for fucks sake!” He brushes his hand over his arm where I know there are still faint lines of scars from his past. The same scars I’ve traced absentmindedly while lying next to him.

“And your family!” he screams. “They think they’re so much better than you! What will they do when they find out you’re gay? Do you really think they’ll be okay with it?! Jesus Christ, Brendon, they already told you they don’t want you hanging out with me, what makes you think they’ll approve of us dating?! No one is ever going to stick up for us if we don’t do it ourselves! We have to fucking do this, Brendon! You don’t understand, we have no other choice!”

I watch with wide eyes as he collapses to the floor, sobbing hysterically and still trying to scream out reasons why. I move down from the couch and crawl over to him, pulling him to my chest.

“Shhh,” I murmur. “It’s okay, Ry… I’m here…” I rub his back as he sobs into my chest. I rock him back and forth a little and press light kisses to the top of his head. “I’ll help, Ryan,” I sigh, and he looks up at me with red, tear-filled eyes. “I’ll help you with the list… You’re right… We can’t let them do this to us anymore. We have to stand up for ourselves…”

He looks at me for a few seconds before burying his face in my shirt again. “Thank you,” he says softly. I nod and rub his back until he sniffs and pulls away from me, rubbing his eyes. “Sorry about your shirt,” he mumbles gesturing to my chest. I look down and see a large wet spot and shrug. I’ve done the same to plenty of his shirts.

Ryan stands up and holds his hand out to me. I grasp it, allowing him to pull me to my feet. We brush the dust off of us and I glance around really quick, noticing what looks to be a piano in the corner with a sheet covering only half of it.  I walk over to it and sit down, the bench squeaking out a protest under me. I lift the cover and run my fingers over the keys lightly before pressing down in a d-chord. It’s a little out of tune, but not too bad for being in an abandoned house for who knows how long. I play the chord again, quickly switching to a g-minor chord. I let the chords flow into one another as I feel Ryan take a seat next to me, the bench protesting even more.

Ryan watches me as my fingers flow over the keys constructing a random array of chords and notes that distantly reminds me of something you’d hear in a Disney movie. I bring the short piece to a close with a drawn out c-major that echoes off of the old walls. As it fades out, I turn to face Ryan and he’s smiling widely at me.

“You need to play music more often, Bren,” he says pressing his lips to mine lightly. “That was so beautiful.” I smile back, feeling my cheeks heat up. I had never played for him before. He knew I took lessons as a kid but I don’t think he knew I could even still play. He presses our lips together again, and I’m quick to press back. He pulls away grabbing my hand from where it still sat on the keys and squeezes it. “You should teach me sometime,” he says gesturing towards the piano.

“Okay,” I say smiling. “Someday when we have loads of time, I will.” He grins wider, his eyes almost shining and I can’t help but think that this is the Ryan I miss most. The one I had first met and fallen for.

Ryan stands up and tugs my hand, pulling me up with him. “What time is it?” he asks. I pull out my phone and check. 3 o’clock.

“3. I still have an hour until I’d be expected to come home. Wanna go get something to eat?” I see Ryan hesitate a little as he knows that I’ll be the one paying, no matter what he says. After considering it a moment, he nods and tugs me towards the door. He opens the front door, shedding more light into the hall and extinguishes the old oil lamp.

We walk out to his car, hands swinging between us when all of a sudden he stops. I follow his gaze and see Spencer and Jon leaning against Ryan’s car. Spencer has his arm around Jon’s shoulders protectively and neither one of them looks like they’re in a pleasant mood.

“Hey guys,” Ryan calls, falling back into step and dragging me along. “What’s going on? You ditch too?” He smiles, but neither of them returns it.

“Ryan,” Spencer sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose with his forefinger and thumb. “You’re my best friend. Tell me what the fuck is going on.” He drops his hand, his ice blue eyes staring Ryan down. I feel Ryan shift a little and I glance over at him. He’s clearly calculating whether or not he should tell the truth or come up with a lie.

I decide it’s my time to jump in again today. “We had to skip today. Ryan didn’t want to get in trouble for the thing with Brent earlier, and well I didn’t want him to be alone so I went with. It’s nothing really.” I give a small shrug, but both Jon and Spencer give me skeptical looks.

“Seriously, guys,” Jon says glancing between us both. “Tell us what’s going on. We’re all best friends. We shouldn’t have secrets.”

Ryan sighs, running his free hand through his hair. “Just,” he begins, trailing off a little. “Don’t jump to drastic conclusions. But we just have some ideas on how to get people back. Like we talked about before. That’s it.” I withhold a cringe. There he goes with the lying. I mean, he isn’t lying to me right now, but to his best friend. Who I know means as much to him as I do. And Jon, my best friend… Does it count as lying if I don’t say anything? If I just let Ryan continue to lie for me? What would Jon and Spencer even say if we told them the truth? Would they turn us in? Want to help us? No one really gave them shit for being gay, but then again, they aren’t as open about it as me and Ryan are. Smart thinking on their part.

Spencer narrows his eyes at Ryan, glancing at me and I know he realizes I’m not saying anything for Ryan’s sake. “Whatever, Ryan,” he finally says. “When you want to tell me, I’ll be here. Until then, pretend what you want, but all four of us know damn well that there is something bigger going on here. Saporta and Wentz didn’t show up for school today and everyone’s looking for them. And for some reason, I have a feeling you know why. I’m not going to force you to tell me what’s going on, but it’d be a hell of a lot easier if you did.”  He gives Ryan another heavy glance before pulling Jon along the curb and back down the street to Spencer’s car.

Ryan sighs again and kicks the bumper of his car. “Shit,” He mutters under his breath, kicking the metal again. I grab his arm and rub it softly, and he stops, looking up at me. “Let’s go eat,” he says, walking around to the driver’s side as I slide in the passenger seat.

As we drive through town I can’t help but think of how everyone is already looking for Pete and Gabe. How? It’d been a day…. If we were going to do all of this, we were going to need something bigger. Some better way of getting rid of everyone at once…

As if reading my mind, Ryan speaks up. “We need something more efficient than one person a day. I have an idea, but we’re gonna have to make a pit stop before we go to eat.” With that, he flips on his blinker and turns down a road leading to the shady part of Vegas. I had a very strong feeling where we were heading.


	8. Chapter 8

Ryan speeds up as he hit the outskirts of the main part of the city, and I look around trying to figure out exactly where we are going. I have a strong feeling, but I’m just hoping that I’m wrong and he’s taking me to a nice restaurant instead.

He slows down, pulling into an old, beaten-down looking trailer park and I shift uncomfortably in my seat. Yep, definitely heading where I expected. Ryan pulls up to an off-white trailer with covered windows and parks the car. He gets out and walks over to my side, opening the door for me.

“Let’s go,” he says. I sigh and slide out as he shuts the door and follow him up the gravel path to the cluttered front porch. He holds his arm out, stopping me from moving forward, before stepping up to the door alone. Ryan knocks on the door four times, and then takes a step back to where I am and waits.

After a few moments, the door opens a bit and I see Frank poke his head out.

“Oh,” he says, clearly relieved. “It’s just you. Come on in.” He pulls the door open more, stepping to the side and allowing room for me and Ryan to walk past.

The room is dark, only lit by a single lamp, but is very well kept. Everything seems organized, down to the shelving unit full of DVDs that appear to be alphabetized. Ryan leads me to an overstuffed sofa, that when we sit down, gives off the faint smell of potatoes. I scrunch up my nose a little, but the smell disappears as fast as it came.

Frank shuts the door, locking it and makes his way over to a recliner opposite of us. He reaches into a small tank before sitting down and extracts what appears to be a baby alligator. I glance at Ryan out of the corner of my eye and cock an eyebrow, but he isn’t paying attention.

“So Frank,” he begins. “I’ve decided on what our big finale is going to be.”

Frank strokes a finger down the lizard-like creature before glancing up at Ryan and meeting his gaze. “Oh?” He says, encouraging Ryan to continue. I watch as Frank continues to pet the alligator, that’s definitely too large to be a legalized pet, and listen in on what Ryan is trying to explain.

“Well, you see,” He says slowly. “There’s already talk about Pete and Gabe missing and we can’t have people pointing fingers already. We need a quick way to get rid of a lot of people. Most of which are from our school anyways. At least the important ones are. And so I started thinking, ‘What is the quickest way to get rid of a large sum of people? How has it been done in the past?’” He pauses, clearly trying to see if Frank is following. Frank gives a small nod as to tell him to continue and Ryan smiles.

“I remembered reading about that Columbine event and how tons of people were hurt and killed during it. Why not recreate it?” Frank is nodding and I feel my jaw drop open. Recreate Columbine? Shoot everyone? In the school? Where _everyone_ would immediately know it was us? How the _fuck_ was that going to work?

“That could work,” Frank says slowly, drawing the words out. “I think I have all the necessary equipment you’d need too.” He gets up and walks into another room. I go to say something to Ryan but before I can do more than just open my mouth, Frank walks back in carrying an old, metal trunk.

I watch warily as he sits the trunk down on the floor in front of Ryan with a loud, resounding thud and reaches down to undo the lock. Frank pulls the lock off and flips the lid open, revealing an assortment of different weapons, most of them guns. Ryan leans forward to examine the contents and I watch as he picks up a smaller looking one and aims it at the wall.

“This would be perfect,” he says, lowering it and running his fingers over the smooth, black metal. “How many rounds can it fire?”

Before Frank can reply, I drag myself to my feet and turn to Ryan. “Can I talk to you outside for a second?” I mumble out. Both he and Frank exchange a look before Ryan stands up and leads me to the door. I walk onto the porch and before Ryan has a chance to close the door, I see Frank staring straight at me with an eyebrow cocked.

Ryan pulls the door shut behind him with a snap and faces me, crossing his arms. “So?” he says, waiting for me to explain.

I sigh and look towards the car at the end of the walk. “I can’t do this, Ry,” I whisper. “I can’t. I can’t kill all those people. I don’t care if they made my life hell. Killing them isn’t going to stop it. Plus, if we kill them all at school, we’re going to get caught. They’ll know it’s us…...” I start to trail off at the end, getting quieter until I just stop speaking all together. Ryan’s expression is darker than anything I’ve ever seen. Even more so than when he killed Gabe or Pete.

“Maybe I want to get caught,” He says darkly. “Maybe I want everyone to know we did it. To show them we can do something. That we’re capable of pulling off something huge.” I shake my head and step away from him.

“Ry,” I say shaking my head again, keeping my eyes locked on his. “I can’t. And I can’t make you not do it, but I’m not going to help you.”

“Brendon, you have to help,” Ryan says, his eyes widening a little as he throws his arms out. “I can’t exactly do this alone! Besides, half of this was your idea!” He gestures at me and I shake my head again.

“Ry, I never wanted to kill them. _You_ wanted to kill them. I just started the list as a joke…” I glance down at my feet, shuffling them a bit. “I can’t handle this all anymore. It’s not right. I….” I stop.

“You what?” Ryan says, taking a step closer to me.

I move a step back and raise my eyes to his, feeling them fill a little. “I… can’t be with you anymore if you’re just going to want to kill everyone just because they make a snide remark or do something that most people would forget about 10 minutes later… I’m sorry, Ry. I just can’t anymore. I’m done.” I look back down at my feet not wanting to see his reaction.

“Fine,” Ryan spits out, narrowing his eyes and clenching his jaw tight. “Then you can just join them tomorrow.” He turns on his heal and walks back inside, slamming the door shut behind him.

I stare at the closed door, feeling the tears spill over onto my cheeks. Inhaling shakily, I brush them off and pull out my phone as I turn around and walk down the steps and path towards the road.

I scroll through my contacts and highlight the name of the only person I can think of that’ll be able to help me. I hit dial and wait through 4 rings before a voice speaks into my ear.

“Hello?”

“Spencer, it’s Brendon,” I say, immediately thinking that was a little obvious. “Listen, I need your help really bad right now. It’s Ryan. He’s planning something at the school tomorrow and I need you to help me stop it.” I rush through it all quickly, wanting to get it all out in the open before Spencer can cut me off.

There’s a silence on the other end of the line for a few moments before Spencer finally speaks. “Where are you? I’ll come and pick you up and we can talk about this more.” I breathe a sigh of relief and quickly give him directions, telling him I’ll meet him at the entrance of the trailer park.

I wait by the park sign for Spencer to arrive and stare at the peeling paint on it. _Shady Acres_. I laugh a little. How fitting. Everything about this whole situation was shady. I should have known things were going to become extreme like this. Ryan wasn’t always this way, and I just wish there could be a chance that things would be able to go back to normal, but I know there isn’t.

Spencer pulls up not even 5 minutes later with Jon in the passenger seat. I jump up from the ground and rush to his car, hopping into the back seat quickly. Spencer pulls away from the side of the road.

Jon turns around in his seat and faces me. “Alright spill,” he says and I see Spencer glance back at me in his rearview mirror.

I take a deep breath, before rushing out the just of the story. “Ryan’s at Frank’s house. That’s where I just was. Frank has a trunk of guns and Ryan is planning on recreating columbine to help get rid of everyone at once. He-”

“Whoa whoa whoa,” Jon cuts me off. “Get rid of everyone? What are you talking about?”

I sigh. Shit. I had forgotten that they still didn’t even know the entire story. “Well,” I start, unsure of how far back to go. “Ryan and I sort of started this book freshman year of people and things we hated. And Ryan turned it into listing specific people, and then it got to the point that Ryan decided that the people in the list needed to be punished…” I trail off, hoping they’ve caught on but both of them give me blank looks and I sigh again. “So Ryan killed Gabe… And then Pete… And now he wants to kill everyone else on the list.” As I say the first part, I see Spencer’s grip on the wheel tighten, his knuckles growing whiter.

“God dammit, Ryan,” I hear him mutter and I watch Jon place a hand on his forearm.

“Maybe I should drive,” Jon suggests quietly, but Spencer shakes his head and continues driving through town in the direction of his house.

“So Ryan plans to shoot all these people?” Spencer asks, looking back at me through the rearview mirror. I give a small nod and he shakes his head, directing his attention back to the road. “Exactly how many people are on this list?”

I swallow nervously. “Um, well,” I stutter out. “Probably well over 100 by now.” Both Jon and Spencer whip their heads back in my direction and stare at me, Jon even allowing his jaw to drop open. I shrug. “Ryan added anyone who fucked with him basically. Anyone who pissed him off. He even added my mom… _And me_.” I add as an afterthought, remembering his last words to me at Frank’s.

Both Spencer and Jon give each other a look and shake their heads. “I knew something was up with him. I never expected it was something this bad though,” Spencer says, pulling into his driveway.

“What now?” Jon asks, looking at both me and Spencer.

Spencer sighs. “Well,” he says, drumming his fingers against the steering wheel. “I guess we plan on how we’re gonna stop him, but we only have till tomorrow morning to plan it.”


	9. Chapter 9

I stare at the open notebook in front of me, pouring over the various names, some in my own handwriting, some in Ryan’s.

“Alright,” I say glancing between two different pages. “I think that Ryan will probably plan to do this either in the morning during zero hour when everyone is in the cafeteria/hallway area, or during the break between the two lunch sections.” I look up at Spencer sitting on the couch with his knees pulled up to his chest. His attention is focused on Jon who is hanging upside down on the couch. I sigh, thinking he hadn’t heard a damn thing I’d been saying. Thankfully he seems to have been listening though, as he gives a thoughtful nod before directing his attention back to me.

“I’d wager more on zero hour. I doubt he’d be able to hold off all day to do it in the afternoon. Besides, it’d be harder to hide a gun that long. Knowing Ryan, he’ll wanna do it as soon as possible.” I watch as Spencer puts his head on his knees, letting out a deep sigh. Jon reaches out and grabs the notebook off the floor in front of me, flipping it upside down so he can read it.

“There are a lot of fucking names on here,” he says, flipping through the various pages. “Why the fuck are some of these names even on here? What the hell did Zoe Peterson, Ayanna Miller or Cassie Fox ever do to Ryan? They never even talk to anyone!” I offer a shrug and focus on a loose thread on the hem of my jeans. Jon sighs and throws the notebook back to me. “This is ridiculous,” he huffs out. “How does he think he can kill all those people before getting caught?”

I groan and lean backwards until I’m lying down and looking at the ceiling. I rub a hand over my eyes. How the fuck were we even going to do this? If Ryan was going to have a gun, how were we going to stop him? Would Ryan really stop for us, or would he just shoot us and continue on with his plan? Ryan wouldn’t shoot me or his best friends, would he?

As if reading my mind, Spencer lifts his head off his knees and speaks up. “You think Ryan’s added me and Jon to the list yet?”

Jon pipes up, “Well he couldn’t have added us to the list. The list is right in front of us.” He points at the list and Spencer picks up a pillow, smacking him with it.

“You vagina! I meant if he’s gonna come after us as well. I doubt he’s going directly off the list now anyways. He added Brendon and never wrote it down, didn’t he?” He gestures quickly to me and I feel my stomach drop. I kept forgetting that I was actually not on Ryan’s good side anymore.

“I think,” I groan out, pushing myself to my feet. “I’m gonna go home. I don’t feel good.” I feel both Jon and Spencer watching me as I stoop down and sling my bag over my shoulder. “I’ll meet you both here tomorrow at 7, so we can finish planning, alright?” I look between the two of them and both give me a small nod before I walk out of the room and head towards the door.

As soon as I get outside, I stop and stare at the driveway. There’s only one car and it’s Spencer’s. Fuck. I forgot they had given me a ride here. I sigh and adjust my bag before setting off down the sidewalk towards my street.

At least it’s only a little over 12 blocks to my house. I pull out my phone and check the time. 7:30. Mom and Dad are probably going to be upset, but I can just tell them me and Jon and Spencer had to work on a project. Which isn’t exactly far off the truth anyways.

I take my time walking and let the day play back through my head. Gabe was dead, along with Pete. Ryan was planning to shoot basically everyone in our high school tomorrow. Ryan and I were no longer together and I was now included in the people he wanted to kill. _Fantastic_. I run over the various scenarios of how tomorrow could go and find myself holding back from physically cringing.

_Scenario one: Jon, Spencer, and I walk up to Ryan and tell him he can’t do this. He agrees, we all go home and everything returns to normal. Chance of that actually happening: < 0%_

_Scenario two: Jon, Spencer, and I walk up to Ryan and tell him he can’t do this. He disagrees, we all get killed. Chance of that actually happening: >99%_

_Scenario three: Jon, Spencer, and I walk up to Ryan and tell him he can’t do this. He disagrees, kills everyone, with the exception of us. Chance of that actually happening: < 1% _

The only one out of those that I like is number one, and of course it’s the least likely to even happen. I sigh and run my hand through my hair, pulling on it a little. Fuck, why did things have to be so damn complicated all the time? Ryan couldn’t have just waited this shit out, let the school year end and just move on like a normal person, could he? I never wanted things to be like this. I wanted me and him to be the couple that makes it through high school together. That goes to college together. That gets married and lives happily ever after. Clearly that wasn’t a possibility. I brush the back of my hand over my eyes and fight against the burning feeling taking over them.

“No,” I mutter under my breath to myself. “You are not going to cry over something that obviously isn’t ever going to happen.” No matter what the outcome of tomorrow was, I knew things were never going to become what I wanted with Ryan.

I shake the thought from my head as I walk up my vacant driveway to my house. Good, my parents were gone. More time to avoid questions. I could go to bed before they got back and avoid everything till tomorrow morning, maybe even later. I push open the heavy door and step into the quiet hallway and glance towards the small table pushed up against the wall. No purse or keys there, meaning no one was home.

I sigh with relief and move towards the kitchen and flip on the overhead light but no light fills the room. I pause, flicking the switch again. Nothing. Great, the power’s out again. I hadn’t even noticed the lack of the hum from the air conditioner. I let out a frustrated sigh and let my eyes adjust to the dark before pushing off the wall towards the counter and feeling my way along it. I go to a drawer and wrench it open. Feeling around inside it, my hand finally comes into contact with the hard, smooth plastic of a lighter.  I pull it out, banging the drawer shut with my hip and walk back out to the hall, up the staircase to my room.

I walk in and quickly snap the door shut behind me, pressing my back against the cool wood. I twist the lighter around in my hands, examining it while I walk over to my dresser and pick up a candle to light. The flame from the candle glows and lights up enough of my room that I can see comfortably without straining against the dark. I move to my bed and sit down, still fiddling with the lighter. I flick it to life and watch the flame, twisting and turning it and watching as the flame moves to stay upright, no matter how the lighter is. I flip the lighter to the side again and the flame moves up the side quickly before I have time to move my hand.

“Fuck!” I hiss out, dropping the lighter and looking at my hand where a small, red burn is starting to form. I rub it gently, feeling the warmth of the flame still on my skin. I glance at the lighter again, picking it up and flipping it over in my hands before flicking it back to life. I suck in a deep breath and hold it, moving the flame to my forearm and pressing it to my skin. Some of the air I’m holding hisses out and I bite my lip against the pain, letting the flame go out after a few seconds. “Fuck,” I pant out. I gulp in more air and feel tears start to roll down my cheeks a little. Ignoring them, I light the flame again and press it to another spot on my arm. I withhold the hiss trying to escape my lips again and let the flame stay lit until a foul smell starts to attack my nose. Lifting the flame slightly, I guide it to another clean area of skin and press it down again.

I’m not sure how much time passes but eventually I’m gasping through my tears and can’t see my arm through them to burn anymore. I drop the lighter and cradle my arm in front of me as I shake from the sobs rocking through my body. I let my body fall to the side and curl up on top of my comforter, hugging my arm to my chest and letting myself cry. I let myself cry over everything. Over Ryan and me being done after everything we’d been through. Over what Ryan had done so far and what he was going to do. Over how much of this was even my fault to begin with. Over what was going to happen tomorrow when we tried to stop this all. I let myself cry until my eyes ran dry and I had nothing else to do but go to sleep and hope for the best during tomorrow.


	10. Chapter 10

“Wake up, Brendon,” a hand is shaking me and it’s not the usual wakeup-call I get. I open my eyes and see Spencer and Jon both leaning over me.

“Wha-?” I start groggily, trying to let my eyes adjust a bit, but Spencer shakes his head, cutting my sentence off.

“No time. Just get dressed; we wanna get to the school as soon as possible so we can beat Ryan there. We think we know when he’s gonna do it now.” Jon moves to rummage through my closet and tosses a random shirt and jeans at me.

I sigh and stand up to peel off my pajamas, not caring that both Jon and Spencer are standing right there. We’d all seen each other naked before anyways, nothing new there. I pull on the jeans, hopping around trying to wiggle them up over my ass and eventually falling over my backpack onto the floor. I look up to see Jon covering his mouth to stifle his laughter and Spencer fighting back a smile. I grunt, pushing myself back to my feet and finish getting dressed.

“How’s my hair?” I ask not wanting to run to the bathroom to check.

“Fabulous,” Spencer says without even looking at me. “Let’s just go, alright? We don’t exactly have a lot of time” I sigh and nod, he was right. I spare a glance at my clock before we’re running out of the room and down the stairs. 7:15. We have 15 minutes before zero hour starts. I swallow the lump that’s starting to form in my throat as we run out the door towards Spencer’s car, trying to ignore the feeling of dread that’s now taking up residence in my stomach. This was it, I guess.

We jump in the car, and before I can even get the door shut behind me, Spencer is starting it and peeling out of the driveway.

“Sorry,” he calls back to me, glancing in the rearview mirror as I slam to the opposite side of the backseat full force. “We just don’t have much time.” I nod, righting myself up as Spencer speeds down the road, definitely doing more than the legal limit. He whips around the corner and I notice the school approaching already. Damn, did we make good time.

Spencer screeches into a parking space near the back of the lot which is almost completely full already. The engine of the car is barely off before all three of us are jumping out and sprinting towards the front door. It doesn’t take long for us to reach the main entrance and we stop, panting and glancing around at the mostly barren hallway.

“Where should we go first? Like where do you think he’ll be?” Jon pants out, but before Spencer or I can answer, we hear a gun shot, followed by a scream pierce through the air and echo around the walls of the hallway. There’s our answer. Spencer, Jon, and I all share a glance, each reflecting the fear from the others as more screaming pierces through the air, followed by more gunshots. We take off, running towards the quad near the cafeteria. I feel my steps falter slightly as I push faster trying to reach it as quickly as I can. As I reach the entrance to the quad, my feet catch on something on the ground and I face plant into the ground.

“Oh my God,” I hear Spencer say and I look back to see him staring at what I tripped over. _Mr. Miller_. His entire torso soaked with blood streaming from a single bullet hole in his chest and his eyes staring blankly towards me. I feel my stomach turn, but my attention is soon drawn back to the quad at the sound of another gunshot. I wrench my gaze from Mr. Miller’s body to the sound and soon focus in on Ryan, standing near a picnic table filled with freshman girls slowly trying to inch away from him. I feel my body freeze with fear, watching everything happen almost in slow motion.

“Please,” I hear one of them beg. It’s a girl named Ariana Anderson. I can hear Ryan bark out a laugh as he aims the gun towards her, quickly squeezing the trigger. The snap echoes around the quad and a couple people scream again. I watch as Ariana’s body slumps backwards to the table, a crimson stain quickly spreading across the front of her Jonas Brother’s t-shirt.

The rest of the girls, jump up as if to try and get away but Ryan turns the gun on them. All three choke out sobs and stop moving, their eyes not leaving the gun or Ryan. I recognize the girls as the very ones Jon had joked about being on the list yesterday; Zoe, Ayanna, and Cassie. I watch Ryan take another step closer to them, and a boy, I think his name is Patrick, jumps up from spot near another table.

“Leave them alone, Ryan,” his voice rings out as he starts to cross the quad. Ryan doesn’t take his eyes off the three girls in front of him as he redirects the gun towards Patrick and lets a single shot fire. It hits Patrick dead in the chest and I watch as he stumbles in shock at first before falling to the ground, blood bubbling a little at his mouth. I cringe, chancing a glance at Spencer and Jon who are both watching this with wide eyes like me. When do we even step in? Would our fate be the same as Patrick’s? I watch as Zoe, Ayanna, and Cassie all choke out sobs.

“Ryan, please don’t do this,” Zoe pleads, her voice small. Ryan laughs again and shakes his head, aiming the gun directly at Zoe’s forehead.

“Too late,” he says, squeezing the trigger, a bullet shooting straight through Zoe’s forehead. He quickly aims the gun at Ayanna and Cassie after, shooting them both in the same place. The three small, now lifeless bodies slump to the ground and Ryan steps away from them, glancing around the quad.  “For years I’ve put up with the bullshit you’ve all put me through. You made my life a living Hell and now I’m gonna make yours hell too. You want a martyr? I’ll be one!”

No one ever expected Ryan to actually retaliate to the bullying. I bet the majority of them are wishing they can take back the things they said, but now it’s too late, and Ryan’s passing judgment. I watch him run his eyes across the different groups of students huddled together around the quad. Some are under tables, some hiding behind bushes and columns, trying to get as much cover as possible and avoid being in the line of fire. There is already a substantial number of bodies littering the ground and fear is evident in everyone. No one wants to be the next to die. I hear quiet footsteps behind me and I whip my head to see Spencer crouching down on the ground next to where I am.

“We need to do something, and fast,” he breathes out as to not draw attention to ourselves. I nod my head, not moving my eyes from Ryan as he walks towards another table where several guys are huddled. I recognized two of them as the Way brothers. The oldest one with red hair, I think his name is Gerard, steps in front of the younger, blonde boy, shielding him from Ryan.

“Ryan, stop,” he says, his voice shaky, but ringing with a sort of authority. “Half of these people never hurt you. I never hurt you even. Just please, stop. Think about what you’re doing.” Ryan laughs at him and shakes his head.

“You may not have done anything to me, but you never stopped anyone else from doing it, now did you?” He spits out before firing a shot into Gerard’s chest, blood instantly seeping out of the wound and staining his shirt. “Trust me, I’ve already thought about this.” He steps closer towards Mikey, who is now supporting a quickly fading Gerard, tears streaming down his face.

“Ryan,” he chokes through his tears. Before he can finish his sentence, Ryan fires two shots straight at his head. Mikey’s scrawny body slumps forward over Gerard’s their blood soaking into each other’s clothing. Ryan turns to the other boy at the table, Bert, and before he can choke out anything, a bullet fires straight into his jugular. Blood spurts everywhere, including all over Ryan, but he doesn’t seem to care.

He turns around and I can see his eyes narrow as his mouth breaks into a smirk. I follow his gaze and feel my stomach do a summersault. _Brent_. I watch as he strides over to Brent and grips the front of his shirt, throwing him to the ground.

“On your knees, Wilson,” he growls, and Brent’s quick to obey, keeling in front of Ryan. The entire crowd of people remains silent as Ryan walks behind Brent and points the gun against the back of his skull, execution style. “Now apologize. Apologize to everyone here, including me, for being the biggest prick to ever exist.” Brent’s silent, and I can see him shaking all the way from over here. Ryan presses the barrel harder against his head and I hear Brent gasp out a little.

“I’m sorry,” he stutters out.

“Sorry for what?” Ryan says, his voice sickly sweet.

“I’m sorry for being the biggest prick to ever exist,” he gasps out.

“Good,” Ryan says. He squeezes the trigger, firing the bullet through Brent’s head. He falls face first to the ground, blood everywhere and Ryan moves away from him.

Spencer nudges me and I look at him. He gives a nod towards Ryan and I know what he’s implying. We need to stop this, now. Or at least try. We scramble to our feet and Jon joins us. Spencer starts walking towards where Ryan is standing, his back turned to us. Jon and I are quick to follow him, not sure of what is going to happen.

I feel the eyes of the crowd snap to us as we walk onto the grass of the quad. Some start to whisper and this draws Ryan’s attention. He glances around and follows the crowds gaze to us. His eyes zero in on Spencer and I notice he takes a step backwards as he raises the gun to point at him.

“Spencer, stop,” he says, a pleading tone in his voice.

“Ryan,” Spencer starts. “You can’t do this. Just, stop now. Don’t do this anymore. It’s not going to fix things. You’re just making it worse.”

“No!” Ryan screams, stepping back again as Spencer steps towards him. Spencer takes another step and Ryan aims the gun higher at him. “Stop, Spencer. I’m fucking serious.” Spencer stops for a second before taking another step. Ryan backs up again, this time stumbling and a crack fills the air as the trigger is squeezed.

Everything stops for a moment before progressing in slow motion. I whip my attention to Spencer as he starts to fall backwards to the ground, a bright red patch on his stomach. Jon rushes forwards, catching him and helping slow the fall as he lays him down to the ground. Spencer’s eyes are wide as he brings a hand up and touches his stomach wiping away some of the red, he looks back up to Ryan and I follow his gaze. Ryan’s standing with his mouth open, eyes wide and locked on Spencer.

“Now look what you’ve done!” Jon screams, gesturing a blood covered hand between Spencer and Ryan. “You’ve shot your best friend because you couldn’t just handle someone taking the piss out of you a couple times! Are you happy?! Is this what you fucking wanted?” Jon chokes out the last word on a sob and turns back to Spencer, pressing against the bullet wound. I can see Spencer’s still alive at least, and somewhat stable despite the large spot of blood now residing on his shirt.

I turn back to Ryan and his eyes jump to my own. They look… scared.

“Bren,” he chokes out shaking his head, tears starting to fall down his blood-stained cheeks. “Are you here to stop me, too?” I chance a look at the gun still held in his hand as he cocks the gun again. I fight back the bile that rises in my throat. I had to talk him out of this. It was my last chance.

“Ryan, stop,” I say, holding my hands up in front of me. “You don’t have to do this. We can get you help. Just, please, for the love of God, stop.” I watch as he shakes his head, more tears pouring out of his honey-colored eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Bren,” he sobs. “I’m sorry.” He raises the gun to me and I inhale deeply, closing my eyes. So this was it. This was how I was going to die. I’d always thought about how I’d choose to die, if given the chance. I never would have guessed it’d be in front of my entire high school, surrounded by dead bodies, one of my best friends dying behind me, and my ex-boyfriend coated in blood and holding a gun, aiming it at my chest.

I hear Ryan choke out another sob. “I- I can’t do this,” he chokes out through his sobs. “I need you, Bren. I can’t do this to you. Just, please, help me. I need you.” His voice is pleading and I open my eyes to see him still aiming the gun at me, his stance shaky as the sobs rock through his body. I shake my head, taking a cautious step towards him.

“Ryan,” I say, my voice hushed. “Just… put the gun down, okay? I can help you, you just need to put it down.” As I step even closer, he aims the gun more steadily at me and shakes his head.

“No, Brendon. That’s not the kind of help I want,” His voice is still shaky, but he raises it. “I want you to help me make these bastards pay for what they did. They made our lives hell. Why can’t you see that?! Why don’t you want this too?!”

“What did Spencer do?” I cry out, gesturing behind me. “What did those girls do to you? There were only a couple people who even did anything that would have an effect that’d last more than a day! Killing innocent people is not the answer to solving all this, Ryan. You need to realize that.” By now I’m standing closer to him, only a couple inches distance between us.

“It’s too late for realizations, Brendon,” he says, shaking his head slowly and closing his eyes. This is it. My only opportunity. I launch myself at him, grabbing for the gun as we both tumble to the ground. We struggle and I feel Ryan direct kicks straight to my rib cage as we both pull on the gun. I can’t hear anything over the rush of the blood in my ears and I barely register the sound of the gun going off.

Both Ryan and I freeze and I see his eyes widen with shock as the two of us glance down between us. Crimson is streaming from Ryan’s chest and I feel the breath catch in my throat as if I was the one who had been shot. Our eyes meet and I feel my eyes fill with tears.

“Ryan,” I murmur out, as his body starts to go slack against me. “Oh Ryan, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, oh my god.” Ryan stares at me with wide eyes, his mouth moving but no sound coming out.

“Bren,” he finally chokes out, a small bit of blood dribbling off the corner of his lips. “I- I love you.”

I choke as the bile rises in my throat again. “I love you too,” I whisper out earnestly, burying my face in his hair, my tears soaking it. I feel him draw in two more uneven breaths before his body goes still beneath me and I can’t breathe anymore. I push his body away, sliding away on the ground.

As soon as I do, the crowd breaks into chaos and several faculty members rush forward, some to me, and some to where Jon and Spencer are.

“Are you okay?” Mrs. Renner the counselor asks me, her eyes running over the blood stains on my clothing. I nod through my tears, not sure I’m even capable of speaking at the moment. I look over at Jon who is now being pulled away from Spencer and a stretcher is being brought in.

“Is… is Spencer going to be okay?” I finally choke out and Mrs. Renner glances over at him.

“He should be fine, I think don’t think the bullet hit anything important. He’s still fully conscious at least. I’m sure the doctors will have him back to normal in no time.” She gives me a reassuring smile and I nod, glancing around at the bodies distributed in the quad, some being covered up with white sheets or body bags.

“What,” I start unsure of how to phrase the question and Mrs. Renner looks at me patiently, waiting until I’m reading to speak again. “What’s going to happen now?” She seems thoughtful for a moment then glances around the quad again before looking back to me.

“I’m not entirely sure myself, but we’ll get it all sorted out. Don’t worry, Brendon.” She gives me another smile that I don’t return and I glance back to Ryan’s body, now being zipped into a blue body bag. I shudder, tearing my eyes from it and focus on the police officer walking towards me.

“Brendon Urie?” He asks, giving me a questioning look. I nod, standing up as he gets closer. “I’m Officer Dan Rogers. We’ve been told you might have some information on everything that took place today, along with some incidents that may have taken place earlier in the week as well. If you’re willing to cooperate with us, we’d be willing to give you immunity from any charges that may arise against you. Is that alright?”

I consider it a moment before nodding slowly and Officer Rogers gives me a smile. “Good,” he says, turning back to another officer and gesturing for them to join us. He turns back to me and pulls out a pad of paper from his pocket. “This will probably be a long process, but in the end, it’ll be worth it, okay?” I nod again and he waits for the other officer to join him before he starts asking questions.

He’s right; this was going to be a very long process. I’m not sure if he’s right about it being worth it in the end, but I do know that at least after all of the interrogations I will never have to worry about the list again. I won’t have to worry about Ryan’s plans anymore. I will be free to live without the stress of having to fight back and get revenge on all the people that had made my life hell. This is going to be a long road. One that I know will stick with me for the rest of my life. I’ll never forget any of the events I went through with Ryan. I don’t know if it will affect me in any extreme ways, but I do know that there’s nothing I can change about it now. I can only move forward.   
  



End file.
